Jokes Thread - NSFW/NSFC

[popowich]

This is the official jokes thread. Post your jokes here. Please, keep them clean (PG-13)!

-Raymond

[popowich]

Is your child a computer hacker?

--

As an enlightened, modern parent, I try to be as involved as possible in the lives of my six children. I encourage them to join team sports. I attend their teen parties with them to ensure no drinking or alcohol is on the premises. I keep a fatherly eye on the CDs they listen to and the shows they watch, the company they keep and the books they read. You could say I'm a model parent. My children have never failed to make me proud, and I can say without the slightest embellishment that I have the finest family in the USA.

Two years ago, my wife Carol and I decided that our children's education would not be complete without some grounding in modern computers. To this end, we bought our children a brand new Compaq to learn with. The kids had a lot of fun using the handful of application programs we'd bought, such as Adobe's Photoshop and Microsoft's Word, and my wife and I were pleased that our gift was received so well. Our son Peter was most entranced by the device, and became quite a pro at surfing the net. When Peter began to spend whole days on the machine, I became concerned, but Carol advised me to calm down, and that it was only a passing phase. I was content to bow to her experience as a mother, until our youngest daughter, Cindy, charged into the living room one night to blurt out that "Peter is a computer hacker!"

As you can imagine, I was amazed. A computer hacker in my own house! I began to monitor my son's habits, to make certain that Cindy wasn't just telling stories, as she is prone to doing at times.
After a few days of investigation, and some research into computer hacking, I confronted Peter with the evidence. I'm afraid to say, this was the only time I have ever been truly disappointed in one of my children. We raised them to be honest and to have integrity, and Peter betrayed the principles we tried to encourage in him, when he refused point blank to admit to his activities. His denials continued for hours, and in the end, I was left with no choice but to ban him from using the computer until he is old enough to be responsible for his actions.

After going through this ordeal with my own family, I was left pondering how I could best help others in similar situations. I'd gained a lot of knowledge over those few days regarding hackers. It's only right that I provide that information to other parents, in the hope that they will be able to tell if their children are being drawn into the world of hacking. Perhaps other parents will be able to steer their sons back onto the straight and narrow before extreme measures need to be employed.

To this end, I have decided to publish the top ten signs that your son is a hacker. I advise any parents to read this list carefully and if their son matches the profile, they should take action. A smart parent will first try to reason with their son, before resorting to groundings, or even spanking. I pride myself that I have never had to spank a child, and I hope this guide will help other parents to put a halt to their son's misbehaviour before a spanking becomes necessary.

1. Has your son asked you to change ISPs?

Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL. These providers have a strict "No Hacking" policy, and take careful measures to ensure that your internet experience is enjoyable, educational and above all legal. If your child is becoming a hacker, one of his first steps will be to request a change to a more hacker friendly provider.

I would advise all parents to refuse this request. One of the reasons your son is interested in switching providers is to get away from AOL's child safety filter. This filter is vital to any parent who wants their son to enjoy the internet without the endangering him through exposure to "adult" content. It is best to stick with the protection AOL provides, rather than using a home-based solution. If your son is becoming a hacker, he will be able to circumvent any home-based measures with surprising ease, using information gleaned from various hacker sites.

2. Are you finding programs on your computer that you don't remember installing?

Your son will probably try to install some hacker software. He may attempt to conceal the presence of the software in some way, but you can usually find any new programs by reading through the programs listed under "Install/Remove Programs" in your control panel. Popular hacker software includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash".

The best option is to confront your son with the evidence, and force him to remove the offending programs. He will probably try to install the software again, but you will be able to tell that this is happening, if your machine offers to "download" one of the hacker applications. If this happens, it is time to give your son a stern talking to, and possibly consider punishing him with a grounding.

3. Has your child asked for new hardware?

Computer hackers are often limited by conventional computer hardware. They may request "faster" video cards, and larger hard drives, or even more memory. If your son starts requesting these devices, it is possible that he has a legitimate need. You can best ensure that you are buying legal, trustworthy hardware by only buying replacement parts from your computer's manufacturer.

If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD", this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips. They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable the security features that American processor makers, such as Intel, use to prevent hacking. AMD chips are never sold in stores, and you will most likely be told that you have to order them from internet sites. Do not buy this chip! This is one request that you must refuse your son, if you are to have any hope of raising him well.

4. Does your child read hacking manuals?

If you pay close attention to your son's reading habits, as I do, you will be able to determine a great deal about his opinions and hobbies. Children are at their most impressionable in the teenage years. Any father who has had a seventeen year old daughter attempt to sneak out on a date wearing make up and perfume is well aware of the effect that improper influences can have on inexperienced minds.

There are, unfortunately, many hacking manuals available in bookshops today. A few titles to be on the lookout for are: "Snow Crash" and "Cryptonomicon" by Neal Stephenson; "Neuromancer" by William Gibson; "Programming with Perl" by Timothy O'Reilly; "Geeks" by Jon Katz; "The Hacker Crackdown" by Bruce Sterling; "Microserfs" by Douglas Coupland; "Hackers" by Steven Levy; and "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" by Eric S. Raymond.

If you find any of these hacking manuals in your child's possession, confiscate them immediately. You should also petition local booksellers to remove these titles from their shelves. You may meet with some resistance at first, but even booksellers have to bow to community pressure.

5. How much time does your child spend using the computer each day?

If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may be using it to DOS other peoples sites. DOSing involves gaining access to the "command prompt" on other people's machines, and using it to tie up vital internet services. This can take up to eight hours. If your son is doing this, he is breaking the law, and you should stop him immediately. The safest policy is to limit your children's access to the computer to a maximum of forty-five minutes each day.

6. Does your son use Quake? -Message by Luky, I'm guessing CS is where the hackers meet too?

Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use of various firearms. Many hackers develop anti-social tendencies due to the use of this virtual world, and it may cause erratic behavior at home and at school.

If your son is using Quake, you should make him understand that this is not acceptable to you. You should ensure all the firearms in your house are carefully locked away, and have trigger locks installed. You should also bring your concerns to the attention of his school.

7. Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behavior?

As a child enters the electronic world of hacking, he may become disaffected with the real world. He may lose the ability to control his actions, or judge the rightness or wrongness of a course of behavior. This will manifest itself soonest in the way he treats others. Those whom he disagrees with will be met with scorn, bitterness, and even foul language. He may utter threats of violence of a real or electronic nature.

Even when confronted, your son will probably find it difficult to talk about this problem to you. He will probably claim that there is no problem, and that you are imagining things. He may tell you that it is you who has the problem, and you should "back off" and "stop smothering him." Do not allow yourself to be deceived. You are the only chance your son has, even if he doesn't understand the situation he is in. Keep trying to get through to him, no matter how much he retreats into himself.

8. Is your son obsessed with "Linux"?

BSD, Linux, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called "xenix", which was written by Microsoft for the US government. These programs are used by hackers to break into other people's computer systems to steal credit card numbers. They may also be used to break into people's stereos to steal their music, using the "mp3" program. Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as "telnet", which is used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet without using a telephone.

Your son may try to install "linux" on your hard drive. If he is careful, you may not notice its presence, however, linux is a capricious beast, and if handled incorrectly, your son may damage your computer, and even break it completely by deleting Windows, at which point you will have to have your computer repaired by a professional.

If you see the word "LILO" during your windows startup (just after you turn the machine on), your son has installed linux. In order to get rid of it, you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them fit a new hard drive. Linux is extremely dangerous software, and cannot be removed without destroying part of your hard disk surface.

9. Has your son radically changed his appearance?

If your son has undergone a sudden change in his style of dress, you may have a hacker on your hands. Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair dyed in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying "glow-sticks" and some wear pacifiers around their necks. (I have no idea why they do this) There are many such hackers in schools today, and your son may have started to associate with them. If you notice that your son's group of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think about a severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.

10. Is your son struggling academically?

If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports teams, he may be involved in a hacking group, such as the infamous "Otaku" hacker association. Excessive time spent on the computer, communicating with his fellow hackers may cause temporary damage to the eyes and brain, from the electromagnetic radiation. This will cause his marks to slip dramatically, particularly in difficult subjects such as Math, and Chemistry. In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation can cause schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases. Also, the reduction in exercise may cause him to lose muscle mass, and even to start gaining weight. For the sake of your child's mental and physical health, you must put a stop to his hacking, and limit his computer time drastically. I encourage all parents to read through this guide carefully. Your child's future may depend upon it. Hacking is an illegal and dangerous activity, that may land your child in prison, and tear your family apart. It cannot be taken too seriously

[popowich]

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers, "This is MY personal space"

[popowich]

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy
and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought
to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for this
carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be
late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and
the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He
then blindfolded
her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he
was about to remove the blindfold from his wife,the telephone rang. He made
her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to
answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she
seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her
ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for
another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her
freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on
her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was
the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At
this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy
Birthday"!!!

[popowich]

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be &quotDo you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[haggis007]

wow have yo ever heard of a wee joke ?

[haggis007]

Q. howd you know when your wifes expired ?

A. the sex is better but the dishes sure are stacking up !

[haggis007]

hey but seriously
after all said n done i was very saddned to hear the news of the untimely death of a great man

mr LARRY LAPRISE died in his 93rd year
who he ??
only the bloke that invented the hokey cokey
the trouble started when they came to put him in his coffin
they but his left leg in ...........!!
lololol

shut up you know its funny

[haggis007]

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but that light bulb really has to want to change!

[haggis007]

Scottish/English Car Crash

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.
Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.
At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."

[haggis007]

NEWSFLASH !!

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, English scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the Scottish newspapers read:- "Scots scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the English."

One week later, the Irish press reported the following:- "After digging as deep as 5000m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones."

[haggis007]

A woman scans the guests at a christmas party and spots an attractive man standing alone.
She sidles up to him.
My name is Carmen, she purrd.
That's beautiful , he replies.
Is that a family name?
No, she says. I gave it to myself.
It reflects the things I like most- cars and men!.

What's your name ?


she asks....Ian Titsandbeer.

[haggis007]

Wee Hughies Excuse


Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. " What's the story this time. Hughie ? " he asked sarcastically. " Let's hear a good excuse for a change.

" Wee Hughie sighed, " Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.

Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office. "

You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, " said his boss, disappointed. " No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

[haggis007]

WEE HUGHIE AND THE GROWLER

Wee Hughie is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my growler?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Wee Hughie and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss.

Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Wee Hughie stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Wee Hughie moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Wee Hughie replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

okay this one was a bit risky
but hey just edit it !!
haggis

[haggis007]

enough ??

or you want more ??

haggis007

[haggis007]

A little boy was asked to say what his father did for a living.
He said he worked in a Gay bar and danced in a cage. Some times customers come and smack his bum and he has to go with some of the customers at nights.

The teacher took the little boy outside and said is this true?

The little boy said no!

His father was a football player and played for England. But it would be too embarrassing to tell my class mates that

[haggis007]

i've not had a good day

i went to the doctors this morning with a dose of the runs !!

i went in & told him "i've a hereditary disease"

"you've what" he said

"ive got diohrrea"

"thats not hereditary" he said

so i dropped my trousers

& said

"well its in ma jeans!!"

[haggis007]

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great, tell me why you're so happy.' She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!' Then she said, 'There's more.' I asked, 'What do you mean 'more'?'
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said.... (You're going to love this!)

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Boots and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

[haggis007]

Burial At Sea

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a
seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their
promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag
and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer
tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself
standing in water up to his knees.

"Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the
water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says,
"No dis'll neva do."

The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the
side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is
really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the
surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel

[haggis007]

oh this copy n paste thing is great !!
haggis

[popowich]

Holiday Greetings from a Lawyer:

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met my lawyer yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that USA is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

[popowich]

A man from the US state of Oregon has stunned friends and relatives by sending them Christmas cards, two months after his own death.

BBC News, Tuesday, 25 December 2007, 17:26 GMT

The 34 handwritten cards were sent and signed by Chet Fitch, who died in October aged 88, with "Heaven" given as the return address. In a message on the cards, Mr Fitch said God had allowed him back to Earth specially to deliver the cards. But his barber told local media they had planned the ruse together.

Patty Dean, 57, was quoted by the Ashland Daily Tidings newspaper as saying Mr Fitch had approached her with the idea in 1987, saying he wanted to play one last trick on people after his death. She said he told her a week before his death that she would probably be able to send the cards this year.

'Little stinker'

The card showed Mr Fitch square-dancing with his wife Jessie, who herself died in 1995.

http://i91.photobucket.com/albums/k293/Astonmoopsie/TPa/CFitchLastMsg.jpg

"I asked Big Guy if I could sneak back and send some cards," he wrote in the card.
"At first he said no; but at my insistence he finally said, 'Oh well, what the heaven, go ahead but don't [tarry] there.' "Better get back as Big Guy said he stretched a point to let me in the first time, so I had better not press my luck," he ended the message, "I'll probably be seeing you (some sooner than you think). Wishing you a very Merry Christmas."

Friends and relatives were both amazed and amused. Mr Fitch's daughter, Tangren Alexander, described the card as "sweet and funny. So much like him". "When I opened his card, all I could think was: 'You little stinker,'" said Debbie Hansen-Bernard, an old friend.

[haggis007]

You can always tell the posh women at an orgy !

They are the ones who shouting


" I'M ARRIVING "

[haggis007]

lololol
sorry but

has any one ever been shagged plumber style !!!???



you know
your in all day & no one comes !!

sorry lolol

[haggis007]

This blind bloke goes in to a women only bar
goes up to the bar & orders a drink.

then in a BIG LOUD VOICE says

"does any one want to hear a blonde joke"
the women next to him says before you do im gonna tell you 5 things

1.im 6 ft blonde & a black belt in karate
2. the bar tenders blonde
3.the bouncers are all blonde
4.the woman to my left is blonde & a weight lifter
5. the woman to your right is blonde & is a wrestler

now do you still want to tell your joke

he replies

" well not if im gonna have to tell it 5 times "

[haggis007]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

[haggis007]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains a thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire-truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
__________________

[haggis007]

Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when
they collide.

The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I
was going".

The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like"?

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches
tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is
wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look
like?"



The first bloke says, "Who gives a f*ck? Let's look for yours

lolol
my kinda joke !!!

[haggis007]

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?" "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter. "That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off o my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?" "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

[popowich]

NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good
job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes
look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

[popowich]

Who Says Men Can't Multitask?

http://www.avolites.org.uk/movies/Mencanmultitask.asf

[poop fungus]

what if my salad leaves were born romaine but feel like spinach inside, are they transvegetable?

[Raven]

This isnt actually a joke but it is funny.

My daughter was married to some guy who did not speak english very well.

He was always going around complaining.

One day I got tired of hearing it.

So I said to him "LIFE SUCKS."

He was shopping with her in Walmart.

The were in the mens section.

He held up a pair of socks and waved them at my daughter.

He ask my daughter, "Is this life"

She said, "What are you talking about"

He said "Your mom said, "Life SOCKS." :rofl:

Needless to say, I couldnt stand him and they are divorced. He was abusive and I won't tolerate abuse of any kind, emotional, physical, etc.

[Raven]

If it is, at least it wont have trans fat. :rofl:


what if my salad leaves were born romaine but feel like spinach inside, are they transvegetable??

[haggis007]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there,
in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping
with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every
imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ...Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe
with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, You was right ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees





Ees
Eees a Ham Bush!!!!!

[haggis007]

did ye hear about the world strawberry picking championships?

the woman with no legs won it -

what a jammy c+nt !!!!!


lololol

sorry

[haggis007]

Seen On a Church Bulletin:
Weight Watchers' will meet at 7 PM.
Please use the double door at the side entrance

[haggis007]

three naked men in a sauna, an american, a japanese and an irishman
they heard a bleeping sound,
the american touches his arm and says thats my pager i have micro chip under my skin
next a phone rings,
and the japanese lifts his palm 2 his ear he says i have a micro chip in my palm
so the irishman
feeling very low tech went to the toilet and came back with toilet paper hangin from his arse
and says jaysus would u look at that im gettin a fax

[haggis007]

surgeons have today revealed that the hardest part of a man to woman sex change
is making the cheese taste like fish

yuk !!

[haggis007]

A ventriloquist visiting Aberdeen, walks into a small village and sees a
local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a
little fun, so he says to the Aberdonian Bloke "Good Day, mind if I talk
to your dog?"

Aberdonian Bloke: "The dog doesn't talk, are you stupid?"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."
Aberdonian Bloke: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Aberdonian Bloke: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Aberdonian Bloke: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Aberdonian Bloke: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Aberdonian Bloke: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Aberdonian Bloke: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

[haggis007]

Two gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?"

The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"

The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What the heck are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."

[haggis007]

A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies,
"If your d1ck is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[haggis007]

the 5 stages of drunkenness
Stage 1
- SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2
- GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3
- RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4
- BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5
- INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

[haggis007]

This is this puzzle
This is is puzzle
This is how puzzle
This is to puzzle
This is keep puzzle
This is an puzzle
This is idiot puzzle
This is busy puzzle
This is for puzzle
This is forty puzzle
This is seconds! puzzle





All done, now go back and read the third word in each line from the top.

[haggis007]

women in asdas notices a young assistant.
he has such a cute arse it makes her randy! she asks him to carry her shopping to the car.
on the way she can't hold back any more and says,
i've got an itchy pussy,
he says you'll have to point it out love all these fcukin japanese cars look the same to me.

[haggis007]

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her




The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[haggis007]

Husband and wife was sharing a bottle of wine when husband says
"bet you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"
wife thinks for a few moments then replys

"your C**k is bigger than your brothers"

[haggis007]

Minging one

Mary and Johnny were out for a walk when Mary suddenly decided she needed the toilet so Johnny told her to go behind the bushes, Johnny decided he would get a quick thrill and put his hand through the bushes and felt something hanging between Marys legs, "mary have you had a sex change" "No" replies Mary

"I'm having a Crap"

[haggis007]

A wife see's a doctor about her husbands libido.
"Try viagra" the doc says.
"No chance," the woman sighs, "He wont even take an asprin."
"Drop the viagra in his coffee he wont taste it" the doc says.
A week on, the lady calls the doctor.
"I took your advice, and with one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups flying, ripped my clothes off and took me right there and there on the table.
It was an absolute nightmare!!"
"Why so bad?" the doc asks.

"I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again......"

[haggis007]

Being Scottish this is the stool i use at home when wearing my kilt !

[popowich]

The Subprime Primer (attached)

-Raymond

[Raven]

Here is a picture of my favorite Tshirt. If you ever need a Kilt Inspector let me know. I bought this when I was on a photo shoot of a scottish festival.

203

Being Scottish this is the stool i use at home when wearing my kilt !

[THERESA]

While walking down the street one day a US senator was tragically hit by a truck and dies.


His soul arrives in heaven and met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. ;



We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."



"No problem, just let me in," says the man.



"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."



"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator



"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."



And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar, and champagne.



Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it is time to go.



Every one gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...



The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.



" Now it's time to visit heaven."



So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.



"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."



The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell ."



So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.



Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.



He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.



The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.



"I don't understand," stammers the senator "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened? "



The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

[THERESA]

A girl invited her boyfriend over for dinner to meet her parents. She
tells him she is so excited that he's going to meet her parents that she
wants to have sex later that night. The boy is thrilled! Since this
is his first time he goes to the drug store to buy some condoms. He
spends an hour with the pharmacist,who explains everything he needs to know
about sex and condoms. Then he explains that the condoms come in a 3
pack, 10 pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
since its his first time and he's really going to be going for it.

Later that night he arrives at his girlfriends. She says I'm so
happy you could make it, and brings him into the dining room where her
parents are waiting. The boy immediately sits down, bows his head and
begins saying grace. After 5 minutes his head is still down, After 10
minutes he is still in silent prayer. After 15 minutes his girlfriend leans
over and says "I had no idea you were so religious! " Without lifting
his head he leans over and replies
"I had no idea your Dad was a pharmacist!!! ":rofl:

[haggis007]

REAL GONE FISHING


There's this drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot.
Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a whole.
Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.
Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.
"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."
"Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!"
"Look," replies the voice,

"I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"

[haggis007]

DAY ON THE SICK


An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning:
"I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."
On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage:
"well, just how sick are you?"


"Well" the employee sighed,

"I'm in bed with my sister!"

Gan an laugh !!!

[haggis007]

Two Irish couples were talking about their sex lives being a bit boring & both fancied spicing it up a little.
So they decided to swap partners for a while !!






Mick said to Paddy

"I wonder how the girls are getting on"

[haggis007]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.


As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."


She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"


She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon.
He stared for a minute, then said,

"I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

[Raven]

Might of been me when I was wearing this Tshirt. I was photographing a Scottish Festival and seen this Tshirt and had to buy it.

281

I was at the pet store one time buying bird food and was wearing this tshirt and this boy in his late 20's ask about my tshirt and my smart a$$ attitude got real serious and said, yes I am a official Kilt Inspector. He said, I wondered because I am Scottish and I have a Kilt. I said, well anytime you need a Kilt Inspector let me know, you can wear it to the store and I can Inspect it for you. He got real red and walked away. He had carried my bags to the car for me, bet he won't do that again. :rofl: I don't normally go to that branch of the pet stores so I was loving the teasing. I had a real serious look on my face. I never told him it was a joke. :rofl:


As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

[jd]

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to EuroDisney?
A: She saw a sign saying: "EuroDisney Left" so she went home.


Did you hear about the blonde who put under Education on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...


Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.


Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said "DON'T WALK".


Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?


Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.


Q: What did the Dumb Blonde do when she went to a film that had an NC-17 (no under 17's) rating? A: Went home and got 16 friends.


Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.


Q: How do you tell if a blonde writes Mysteries?
A: She's got a checkbook.


Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde?
A: There's a stamp on it.



Play Crazy Pranks & Hilarious Gags on your dumb blonde friends (or anyone else for that matter) :-)




Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: Threw it off a cliff.


Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: Keep breakin em' with hammers.


Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.


Q: What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers?
A: Her IQ goes up.


Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.


Q: What's the guaranteed method to totally confuse a Blonde Man?
A: Ask him to alphabetise a King-size bag of M&Ms.


Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.


Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.


Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.


Q: What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.


Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece.


Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer.

Q: What's the diff between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What's a dumb Blondes favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
A: No need for em to worry about blowing their brains out

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on top of her.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champion.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a fantastic time. Where am I?

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say "Hello"

Q: Why are blonde's immune to Mad Cow Disease?
A: It only affects the brain.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde?
A: Blow in her ear - if natural, watch as she floats...

Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
A: Double-dumb.

Q: Where do you look for blonde's obituaries?
A: Under "Home Improvements."

Q: Why did the blonde go to the rehab center?
A: Because she thought she was hooked on phonics.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: 30 mins of begging.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's quite difficult opening the legs of an Ironing Board.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.



Q: What would you do if a Blond threw a hand grenade right at you?
A: You'd pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Mercedes?
A: You don't lend the Merc out to your friend.

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Sooner or later they'll both end up in the gutter.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: She didn't want to waken the sleeping pills.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.


Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Well...Like, I dunno!

Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and the Yeti?
A: Yeti has been spotted.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

It's with great sadness that I tell you my blonde girlfriend burned her nose last night....she was bobbing for french fries...


1. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-****'ll-doooo."

2. Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: The one that never misses a period.

3. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!".

4.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.

5. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.

6. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Duke only 'had' Ten Thousand men.

7. Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.

9. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

10. Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit

12. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.

13. Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.

14. Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she's been laid all over the country.

16. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.

17. Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends.

18.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.

19. Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.

21. Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

23. Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.


25. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.

28. Q: In a Blonde's mind what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

29. Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse?
A: So she won't sh*t on the street during a rally.

33. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

34. Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian?
A: Well, she kept having affairs with men.

35. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

37. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

38. Q: When visiting Scotland, what is a Blonde's favorite destination?
A: Silicon Glen

39. Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

40. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

41. Q: What would a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.

43. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

44. Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're $$$$ed.

45. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?

46. Q: Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
A: **** Go In Front.

47. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

48. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

51. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.

52. Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.

53. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!

54. Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one

55. Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it's back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!

58. Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.

60. Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.

61. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.


62. It's important to realise that Blondes can't go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they gotta lay down...

63. It's even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a ***** will screw anyone but you...

64. It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful...

65. Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

66. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Well, not everybody's went to town in a limo!

67. Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus

68. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

69. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.

70. Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!

71. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all *****.

72. Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

73. Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

74. Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.

6. Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.

77. Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

78. Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refridgerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.

79. Q: What's a 68 to a blonde?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

80. Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.

81. Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down...

82. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.

83. Q: What do you call a blonde with an I.Q of 100?
A: A foursome.

85. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces.

86. Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

89. Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

90. Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.

91. Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found that she was embezzling.

92. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

94. Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A ******** with handlebars.

95. Q: What did the blonde say during a xxx flick?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"

96. Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.

98. Q: What does XXX stand for?
A: Blondes co-signing a note.

99. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set.

100. Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.

101. Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.



She was so blonde that...
She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She managed to trip over my cordless phone.

On the bottom of the job application where it said 'Sign Here' she wrote 'Aquarias'.

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She told me to meet her on the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She tried to place a bag of M&M's in alphabetical order.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept.

When she got an AM radio, it took her 10 month to figure out she could use it at night.

She spent 25 minutes staring at the Orange juice box cos it said - "concentrate"

She got stabbed in a Shoot out.

She used to sit on the tv so she could watch the couch

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

She thinks Eartha Kitt is a set of gardening tools.

When she saw the sign for YMCA she said: "LOOK, they've spelled MACY's wrong!!!"

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

She put lippie on her forehead cos her boyfriend told her to make up her mind.

She tried to drown a fish.

If you offered her a Penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

She took a Spoon to the Super Bowl.

It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

She asked for a Price-check at the 'Everythings a Pound' store.

They had to burn her school down to get her outta 4th grade.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.


When I was drowning in a lake and screaming out for a life saver she asked: "Grape or Cherry?"

She thought Meow Mix was a record for Cats.

She thought that Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

She tried to drown a fish.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. 1 to hold the Diet Irn-Bru and the other to call on 'Daddddyyy'


Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.


Q: What did the blonde do when she heard on the news that over 90% of accidents occur at the home?
A: She moved.


Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of Sixty?
A: A blonde parade.


Q: Why did the blonde call the job centre?
A: She wanted to find out how to cook food stamps.


Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in 6 or 12 pieces.
A: "Oh, only Six I think - I'd never manage to eat all 12 pieces."


Q: What do you call a Smart blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever.


Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-Air.


Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Cos sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.


Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: Both are completely empty from the neck up.


Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.


Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.


Q: How do you drive a blonde Insane?
A: Hide her Hair Dryer.


Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: alone.


Q: How do you know a blonde has robbed your house?
A: You notice the microwave is gone, but a note is there in it's place saying: "Thanks for the TV"


Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)


Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat".


Q: What do you call a blonde on a University Campus?
A: A visitor.


A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"


--------------------------------------...

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies, "Yes."

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."


--------------------------------------...

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.


--------------------------------------...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."


--------------------------------------...

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Scroll Down. ---><----- Scroll Up.


--------------------------------------...

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it."Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde.""I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."


--------------------------------------...

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"


--------------------------------------...

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton


--------------------------------------...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked."Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


--------------------------------------...

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.""We don't have any," replied the first blonde."Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden."But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"


--------------------------------------...

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."


--------------------------------------...

ICE FISHING


A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

"There are no fish under the ice!!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"


--------------------------------------...

This one qualifies as a hilarious blonde joke! It is the best.
A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!


--------------------------------------...

A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.

On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?"

The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?"

The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?"

The blonde responded, "20, right?"

Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?""3?" said the blonde.

The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"


--------------------------------------...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."


--------------------------------------...

There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.


--------------------------------------...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer."Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
You dont have to read all of them!

[haggis007]

3 blokes in a bar

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one.
At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's.
At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's.
At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two.
"That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies their friend,


"but it happened to my sister!"
http://www.borderschat.com/forums/images/misc/progress.gif

[haggis007]

The sneaky ozzy

An Australian backpacker walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager from the barmaid. She recognises his accent and they begin chatting. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place for sex. Although she is attracted to him, she declines. He then offers her £200. The waitress is also travelling the world and is short of funds, so she agrees. The next night he returns and orders another lager. Later in the evening, he offers her another £200 for her services. She is only too happy to agree. This goes on for five nights. On the sixth night the traveller comes in, orders a lager, and sits in the corner. Hoping to earn more cash in another night of passion, the waitress pulls up a seat, and asks him where's he's from. "Melbourne," the traveller replies. "So am I! What suburb in Melbourne?" she asks. "Glen Iris," he replies. "That's amazing," she says, "so am I! What street?" "Cameo Street, he replies. "This is unbelievable," she says. "What number?" "Number 20." "You are not going to believe this but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"
"I know," the man replies.

"Your father gave me £1,000 to give to you."

[haggis007]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen
eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral
to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle
of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

[Derbyshire Lass]

A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the
appropriate time in the process, told him he would "Now need to enter a
password". Something he would use to log-on.

Her husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer
asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that
he was keying in:

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...


His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied

***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[popowich]

Funny TV Meltdowns (http://gawker.com/390156/top-ten-ang...mera-meltdowns)

[popowich]

You know when you are from Rochester New York when...

The only thing at the annual May Lilac Festival is snow.

The worst four-letter word you could say is "Fuji".

You can't swim at the beach.

You thought that you had figured out that alternate-parking thing, but wind up with a ticket anyway.

Toronto is about 70 miles away, but it takes four hours to get there.

The name "Greater Rochester International Airport" is bigger than the airport itself.

There's an 800 number to report a pothole in the road.

You know that a "Can of Worms" is not something that you take fishing. Your baby's first word is "Wegmans".

You ask lifetime residents where the George Eastman House is, but they don't know either.

In a city where it snows at least 90 inches a year, they build a new sports stadium with no roof on it.

It can be 70 degrees one day, below freezing the next, and you think nothing of it.

Your mother is buying outfits to wear to Wegmans.

Your low-fat diet is never low enough to exclude an Abbott's custard.

You order a white hot and a pop, and the counterman knows what you're talking about.

You can travel from Egypt to Greece in about a half-hour by car.

D&C is a newspaper, not a medical procedure.

There are no hamburgers, only ground steak.

You can go to any mall on a Saturday and see at least 5 people you either work with, went to school with or dated.

A musical comes to town 10 years after its Broadway premier and the entire town goes nuts!

You awaken from a deep sleep, look at the clock and see that it's 6:00, but you have no idea whether it's AM or PM.

When 18+ inches of snow falls overnight, but you never thought of NOT going to work.

You are perplexed when friends from other cities come to visit and want to "see the sights".

In winter if the temperature hits 45 degrees and the sun comes out, people walk around downtown wearing shades and no jackets.

There are places at the poles that seem to get more sunlight during the winter months than we do.

Wegmans is somewhere to go on a Friday night, for entertainment.

You know who Vinnie and Angelo are.

You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

You think that people from Pennsylvania have an accent.

Halloween is snowed out with great regularity.

You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.

Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.

Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack of Genny and a bucket of Buffalo wings.

You believe that "down south" means Maryland.

Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines.

You can compare Nick Tahoe's garbage plate to at least 3 other knock-offs in competing restaurants.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Rochester, New York.

[popowich]

1.You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

2.You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4.Hookers and the homeless are invisible.

5.The subway makes sense.

6.You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

7.You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".

8.The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

9.You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.

10.You consider Westchester "upstate".

11.You think Central Park is "nature."

12.You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.

13.You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it’s a "steal."

14.You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.

15.You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.

16.You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

17.You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.

18.Your closet is filled with black clothes.

19.You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you.

20.You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.

21.You take fashion seriously.

22.Being truly alone makes you nervous.

23.You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

24.Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."

25.America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

26.You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.

27.You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

28.Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

29.$50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

30.You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.

31.You don't notice sirens anymore.

32.You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.

33.Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

34.You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

35.You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills.

36.You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

37.Your door has more than three locks.

38.Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

39.You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

40.You run when you see a flashing "Do Not Walk" sign at the intersection.

41.You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.

42.You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.

43.You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.

44.There is no North and South...

45.It's uptown or downtown.

46.When you're away from home, you miss "real" pizza and "real" bagels.

47.You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas.

48.You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

49.Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect.

50.You know what a bodega is.

51.You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.

52.Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.....

53.You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas

54.Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you.

55. People from other states cant tell a polar bear from a peanut, but they know you're from NY the second you open your mouth.

56. When you are able to make a right turn at a red light.. you think it's the best thing ever.

57. Rather than waiting safely on the sidewalk to cross the street, you wait inches away from speeding traffic waiting to cut through it.

58. Your local news is national news.

59. You walk a mile in 13 minutes and think that everything should be open 24/7.

60. You know who Dr. Z is...

61. You think you know better than everyone else in the world.. when in reality.. well.. you do.

62. Yellow light means speed up.

63. Red light means speed up because you know have that 1 second pause until the other light turns green.

64. Communicating with people on the road only takes one finger.

65. You order your dinner and have it delivered.. from the place across the street.

66. You cross the street on a greenlight, and if you get hit by a car you blame the driver for "not watching where they're going.

67. You can tell a gunshot from a firecracker and not get scared, but when you go to the burbs you get scared of hearing a cricket.

68. You know the lights above the skyscrapers is the closest thing we have to stars.

[Rebecky]

hehe..after reading the NYC one, it reminded me of a conversation I had with a customer at an old job. We dealt mostly with printing distributors from NYC, after giving him his quote he said "You don't sound like you're from NY." I said, "Really? Well, thanks, I think."
"That wasn't a compliment" was his reply....LMAO!
Guess I didn't talk fast enough....

[Kaos]

I stole this from another forum, I admit but I thought it was funny enough to share:

30 Truths

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile! Because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[popowich]

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll love this...
---------

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.